Written by Bamboo Nutrition therapist, Sarah Nonnenmacher, LPC, CEDS.
Bamboo Nutrition is located in Columbia, Missouri and Rochester, Minnesota.
~Part Five~
If I can slow down and be mindfully aware of what I am feeling and how it affects me, that awareness gives me the freedom to choose how I want to respond. That mindful intentionality is half the self-compassion battle.
If you’ve been following this series so far, we started by discussing the cost of our self-criticism habit. Although negative self-talk comes naturally for most of us, it results in higher levels of stress and lower well-being overall.
The practice of self-compassion, however, has been shown to be beneficial in a variety of ways. How could speaking more nicely to yourself improve your well-being, you ask? Here are just a few ways:
Self-compassion lowers stress levels, improving physical health and emotional resilience.
Kind words or kind touch can reduce the amount of cortisol (or stress hormone) our bodies produce, and slows down our parasympathetic nervous system (the part of our bodies responsible for fight/flight). This leads to better sleep, more energy, better eating habits, and correlates with better physical health overall. And, when we have less stress coursing through our bodies, when we are better rested and adequately nourished, we have what we need to face life’s challenges head-on.
Self-compassion helps you preserve when challenged.
Too much self-criticism can lead us to give up sooner. Why would I persevere in something if I believe I am ultimately going to fail? Self-criticism reinforces that belief that I’m a failure, which actually makes me less likely to succeed. But Self-compassion talk reminds me that to be human means to be challenged, and sometimes to fail, and that failure is okay. If I believe that failure (though uncomfortable!) is just a part of life, and that I”m no worse off for it, I am more likely to persevere and try harder. The more I try, the more likely I am to ultimately succeed.
Self-compassion helps you respond intentionally, rather than react emotionally.
The worst parts of myself come out when I am under emotional stress. I am more likely to snap at my partner, yell at my children, or blow off a friend. The worst thing I can do for my loved ones is ignore my own emotional stressors and try to plow through. Doing so leaves me more likely to react out of my stress, rather than respond to my stress. If I can slow down and be mindfully aware of what I am feeling and how it affects me, that awareness gives me the freedom to choose how I want to respond. That mindful intentionality is half the self-compassion battle.
Self-compassion helps you be a better friend to others.
First, by reducing the mental noise of self-criticism in my life, I can be more present for others. Second, by responding to my own stressors with intention, I”m more likely be a peaceful presence in the lives of others. There’s a third way, though, that our own self-compassion practice can actually make us a better friend: Empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand and make space for another’s feelings. Empathy leads to feelings of connectedness and belonging. Empathy is essential for healthy relationships. The opposite of empathy is dismissiveness.
Chances are, you may not be very empathetic of your own feelings, but you want to be an empathetic friend toward others. But when we quickly dismiss our own feelings, we are more likely to respond dismissively to others, because we are training our brain to avoid those painful emotions. Some avoidance of emotions can appear well-meaning, like problem-solving, quickly suggesting solutions, or jumping to point out a silver lining, but all of these are ultimately examples of dismissiveness, which is death to a healthy, authentic and connected relationship. When we practice mindfully making space for our emotions, we are better able to hold empathetic space for others.
Some reminders about what self-compassion is….
All this talk of self-compassion can feel intimidating (how am I supposed to be kinder to myself!?) or “froo-froo,” (why should I be kinder to myself!?) Sometimes I think we can complicate things unnecessarily, so it’s helpful to remember that self-compassion is actually pretty basic:
It’s talking to yourself like you would a friend who’s having a hard time.
It’s being the kind, supportive parent to yourself, that you may not have had growing up.
It’s pausing to be curious and recognize how you are being impacted by the world around you.
It’s noticing when you are holding unrealistically high expectations for yourself.
It’s self-empathy.
It’s the intentional pause to ask yourself, “what do I need to move forward?”
Self-compassion is not feeling better about yourself, it’s treating yourself with kindness when you’re at your lowest.
One small step to improve self-compassion
What do you say to yourself when you’re feeling mad, disappointed, or frustrated with yourself? Write it down on a post-it or index card. Now read it aloud….does it sound encouraging and supportive, or condemning? Is this generally a very useful thing to say to motivate someone? Probably not.
Now cross it out, and underneath, write down just a few words you might need to hear in such moments. If you’re stuck, consider what you’d say to a friend who was feeling frustrated at themselves. “You’re doing you best.” Or “Keep trying, you got this.” Or “It’s okay to not be okay.” Then put this note someplace you are likely to see it, and use it as a reminder to catch your negative self-talk and replace it with more effective words of kindness.
Interested in learning more tips and techniques for self-compassion practice? Want to connect with others walking this journey together? Click the link below for information on our upcoming Self-Compassion group!
Join Sarah Nonnenmacher’s 6-week series group on self compassion. Read more about it by clicking the button above.
Sarah Nonnenmacher is a licensed professional counselor and created this online group to help individuals break free of ongoing negative self criticism.
Sarah Nonnenmacher, the author of this article, is a therapist at Bamboo Nutrition, where she provides individual and family therapy to all ages. Self compassion is something she weaves into all of her sessions because it is a foundational way to improve our thought processes and will impact all of the work we do in therapy to improve the root issues we are working through.
Sarah is leads a Self Compassion group if you are looking for community. She also offers one-on-one therapy and would love to hear from you!